The Hetalia High School Host Club
by PsychotiCaptain
Summary: From the always-ingenious minds of Blueninjamanga22 and PsychotiCaptain comes the Hetalia High School Host Club! (As long as you don't break any vases, you'll be fine.)
1. Chapter 1

**This is Blueninjamanga22 and PsychotiCaptain bringing you the HETALIA HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB! *confetti***

**Disclaimer: Neither of us own anything except for this parodic idea.**

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Wang Yao was late; awfully, horribly, even painfully, late.

He wasn't late for the things normal teenaged boys are late for and he wasn't worried about being late for the reasons normal teenaged boys would. He was late for his Host Club's meeting―and yes, you read that right.

The Chinese boy dashed through the hallways of his over complicated new school (seriously, were ten stories and a grand staircase really necessary? It looked more like a mansion or an office than a school) panting and trying to keep his hair as neat as possible. Being late was bad enough, but doing it while looking horrid was about ten times worse.

He didn't hate being late because Francis-Senpai would probably cry or because of Alfred's taunts. No, he hated being late because of the way Kiku looked at him when he walked through the door late.

Yao stopped in front of the old abandoned music room and tried to fix his hair. How many boys stopped to fix their hair anymore?

What am I doing with my life? Yao sighed, and then pushed the door to the room open. As usual, a flare of rose petals flew out at him. He nearly choked to death on one.

"You're late," Kiku Honda said.

There it was.

The _look_.

Whenever anyone was in trouble (or if they were incredibly late, for that matter) Kiku would glare at them over his glasses. Maybe what you did wasn't exactly the worse thing in the world, but if Kiku gave you that look, you would instantaneously think it was. And you'd be apologizing and begging on your knees for forgiveness.

"S-sorry, Kiku-Kun," Yao said, a bead of sweat running down the back of his neck. "I got lost."

"You've been here for a week," Kiku said with a dramatic flash of his glasses. "Shouldn't you know where everything is?"

"I'm sorry," Yao exclaimed, adding, _please don't kill me!_ in his head. Kiku didn't show much emotion, he just quickly wrote Yao's name down and gestured towards the back of the room.

"You're table is open, people are waiting," Kiku said.

"Thank―" Yao started.

"Yao-Chan~!" Francis Bonnefoy practically leapt from his place at a table (causing a customer to shriek in alarm), tackling Yao to the ground and hugging him tightly.

"Where have you been? Daddy was so worried about you!" Francis exclaimed, over-dramatic tears rushing from his eyes.

"Well, that sounded sexual," Alfred Jones smirked, while his twin brother, Matthew, simply smiled at the situation. Yao liked to think of Matt as "the good guy" and Alfred as "his evil twin". Or like the devil-and-angel complex that the girls seemed to love so much.

"Francis-Senpai―get―off―me!" Yao exclaimed, struggling to get the crying blond French boy off him. It didn't help that Alfred thought this entire situation was just plain hilarious and that Kiku just sat there, attending to his book as if it were the most interesting thing on Earth.

With a well-aimed hit to the face, Yao managed to get Francis off him. The boy then sulked in a corner, muttering something along the lines of, 'Why won't you accept my love'?

"Are you going for," Alfred said, while Matt then finished his sentence with "Fashionably late, again?"

"Shut up, aru," Yao grunted, rolling his eyes. "Am I really the last one to show up?"

"Nah, Feliciano-Senpai and Ludwig-Senpai aren't here yet," Alfred said.

"But knowing them, Feliciano-Senpai probably fell asleep somewhere and Ludwig-Senpai is carrying him," Matt said.

Feliciano was probably the childest person Yao knew, so him falling asleep and needing Ludwig to carry him was completely believeable. Yao would've asked more on the situation, but Matt had pretending to burn his finger with tea and had Alfred had to "kiss it better". This little kind gesture got a couple of squeals from their customers (one of them took out her cellphone and demanded a photo).

Yao sighed and went over to his table, where a couple of "customers" were waiting. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy talking to these teenage girls-even if they were fawning over him-but he hated being forced into doing it. Yao liked to consider himself a free spirit, but here he was being coerced into "hosting" all because he had broken a stupid vase. He hadn't even meant to break it, or even be in the same room as it, it had sorta just...fell. One Kiku-glare later, he was working off the debt of entertaining one hundred girls.

Thus, being the charming natural he was (or, at least according to Francis-Senpai), he found himself in the abandoned music room, telling the girls all about his childhood adventures in China.

"Yao-Kun, did you own a pet panda when you lived in China?" one of them asked, and Yao visibly deflated.

"Ah...no," he answered while somehow managing to keep his temper controlled. _Such stereotypes...though I do love pandas..._

His story was interrupted by the entrance of the two missing Host Club members, Ludwig Beilschmidt and Feliciano Vargas, AKA Luddy and Feli. The waiting girls at the only empty table immediately chorused, "Hi, Luddy! Heya, Feli!"

Feliciano immediately bounded over to the table with his stuffed cat (appropriately named Pookie), greeting them all with a cheerful, "Ciao~!" Ludwig merely grunted in response.

Yao went back to telling his story but was interrupted AGAIN by the same person.

"Buongiorno, Yao-Chan~" Feliciano chirped, attaching himself to the Chinese student's arm. Yao couldn't help but smile at the childish Italian.

"Nihao, Feli-Senpai. How are you today?"

"Ve~ I'm great, Yao-Chan!"

Something about what Feliciano said irked Yao, and it took him a moment before he realized what it was.

"Why do you insist on using a feminine honorific for me?!" he asked. It had never really occurred to him before, but he now realized just how annoying it was.

"Because..." Matthew said from across the room. "...You look like one!" Alfred finished. The vein in Yao's temple throbbed.

"Having long hair doesn't make me a girl!" he protested.

"It's not just your hair, Yao-Chan!" Feliciano told him. "You have really, really pretty eyes!"

Yao stared at him, mouth agape, clearly in shock. "That's...so...weird..."

Just then, he heard Francis's laugh behind him, and he turned around to see the "king" holding a rose and smiling in that way that made girls faint on the spot.

"Ah, but, ma chérie, it is undoubtedly true. Your eyes have a very feminine appearance to them."

"Alright, I get it," Yao grumbled. "I look like a girl. Now go away."

Feliciano looked up at him with teary eyes before running back to Ludwig sobbing, though he quickly stopped when a plate of pasta was sent his way. Francis made his way back to his table, and Yao sighed and continued with his reminiscences until he was permitted to go home.

"Have fun?" Alfred and Matt asked simultaneously once they were in the hallway.

"Oh, yeah, it was great," Yao deadpanned.

"Aw, Yao-Chan, lighten up!" Feliciano chirped. "The Host Club is really, really fun!"

Yao smiled wearily, then caught Francis leaving the music room. His eyes widened, and he muttered, "Crap," before running the rest of the way home.

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**And there's chapter one! Reviews are appreciated immensely, as well as favorites and follows :3**

**_Stay psycho, sir!_**

**_Ninja & Captain_**

**_*BAGPIPES EXIT!*_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Haha, Chapter 2 is here! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Neither PsychotiCaptain or Blueninjamanga22 owns Hetalia or Ouran High School Host Club, only this idea.**

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A few days later it was just Matthew, Alfred, Francis, Kiku, and Yao in the abandoned music room. Kiku was doing some calculations or something, while Yao found himself wondering just how the heck Francis managed to get him into a panda outfit. Then again, he wasn't exactly opposed to the idea in itself. Rather, he was opposed to the fact that Alfred and Matthew were wildly snapping pictures of him doing pretty much everything. He actually had to use force to stop them from following him into the bathroom. It came to a point where he simply couldn't take it anymore.

"All right, what's wrong with you people?" he inquired frustratedly, though some of the intimidation was easy to ignore considering he was dressed as a giant, black and white bear.

Francis clicked his tongue. "Oh, Yao-Chan, it's such a shame that you have no idea what's going on around here."

Yao stomped his foot (paw?) on the ground and yelled, "I would if you would tell me!"

Alfred and Matthew grinned.

"Have you ever. . ."

". . .Been on the Host Club's website?"

Yao's anger temporarily flowed away, only to be replaced with curiosity. "We have a website?"

"Of course," Kiku piped in. "It would be a shame if we didn't. Look."

He pulled out his laptop from his schoolbag and typed in a URL that Yao couldn't see before turning the screen towards him. The Chinese boy's jaw almost fell to the floor when he saw what was on it.

The entire homepage of the website was covered in photos of...well, him. There were pictures of him in class, bent over a desk with his eyebrows scrunched together in concentration, some of him eating, and still others that showed him sitting under the tree in the school's central courtyard. There were even pictures of him simply walking, glancing over his shoulder in a way that, had he not known himself, would have made him think he was a professional model. A blush crept over his cheeks as his eyes fell upon a picture of him shirtless, until embarrassment turned into confusion and then anger (again) as he realized that someone had to have taken that picture. One glance upward told him that Francis was thinking the same exact thing.

"How did you two get these pictures?!"

It took Yao a minute to realize that "you two" meant Alfred and Matthew, right after the two in question exchanged a sly smirk.

"We dunno, boss," Matthew answered innocently.

"Please specify the pictures you're referring to," Alfred requested.

"Hm, I don't know, how about ALL THE ONES WITH YAO IN THEM!" Francis exclaimed. "Especially that one," he added, pointing to the shirtless one.

Matthew and Alfred simultaneously rolled their eyes.

"Get with the program, boss!" Alfred sighed dramatically. "It's the twenty-first century, there's this thing called photoshop."

"As for the other ones," Matthew explained, "we're in the same grade as Yao, so isn't it natural that we see him more often? He makes a great addition to the website."

Somehow, Francis ended up back in his corner, leaving Yao to assume that it was probably because of the fact that Alfred and Matthew saw him more. Choosing to ignore that situation, he turned back to the twins.

"So. . . how have you been taking pictures all this time without me noticing?"

"Pssh," Alfred scoffed with a dismissive wave of his hand. "That's easy. You're operating on scholarship, right?"

Yao nodded, and Matthew took over the explanation.

"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're always really over-absorbed in your schoolwork."

"So it's easy to snap shots of you while you're not paying attention, which is most of the time," Alfred finished, bumping fists with Matthew and leaning back in his chair in self-satisfaction.

"Speaking of which, we should probably upload the ones from today," Matthew pointed out, and Alfred nodded.

"Um. . . may I see them first?" Yao asked, taking the camera which was held out to him a moment later.

These pictures seemed to be more based around making Yao look like some sort of innocent and misunderstood genius. There was one where he was hunched over his desk in his reading glasses, one hand tugging on his bangs while he was chewing on his pencils eraser. Another was one of him reading, and obviously completely engulfed in his book (you could just vaguely see Alfred's reflection in the mirror behind him, so he must have been really into that book). There was one of him having trouble getting a book on the top shelf at the library, and an especially embarrassing one of him laughing while feeding a couple of ducks at the pond. They all seemed to make him look like a closet poet, the type to bring his laptop to StarBucks in search of some peace and quiet.

Yao was ready to stop look at the pictures when he came across a certain one, and he nearly broke the camera. This was new.

The picture was of him, waking up in his bed, while wearing his pajama bottoms, but unfortunately, no type of shirt whatsoever. And the fact that he was wearing a jacket that gave him panda ears didn't help. The Yao in the picture was yawning and rubbing his eyes, which were half-closed in exhaustion.

Yao began flipping through the pictures, and these new ones had something in common: they were all of him at home. With a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, getting his hair in its usual ponytail, sleepily eating a bowl of cereal.

"HOW DID YOU GET THESE PICTURES?!" Yao exclaimed, throwing the camera at Matthew.

"Hey!" Alfred exclaimed.

"You could've broken it!" Matthew added.

"Who cares, aru! How did you get pictures of me AT HOME?!" Yao snapped.

"They got pictures of you where?" Francis asked, glancing over his shoulder from his depression corner.

"Now, now, Yao . . ." Alfred started.

". . . There's no need to shout . . ." Matthew continued.

". . . You see, we only did . . ." Alfred continued.

". . . What we had to do," Matthew continued. "Considering that you're new to the Host Club . . ."

". . . You need a little help getting popular with the ladies," Alfred picked up where Matthew left off. "You should be thanking us. . ."

". . . We were doing you a favor," Matthew finished.

"Right, a favor. By stalking me," Yao muttered.

"We weren't stalking you . . ."

". . . We were simply watching you without you knowing."

"That's called stalking, aru!" Yao scowled.

"They know where you live?" Francis grabbed Yao by the shoulder and shook him back and forth. "You told those shady twins but you won't tell Daddy? How could you! And why aren't you two stalking ME, I'm gorgeous!"

"I didn't tell them, aru!" Yao exclaimed, shoving Francis off him.

"Shady twins?" Kiku muttered from his calculations table, then shrugged and continued working.

"Yeah, he wouldn't tell us where he lives . . ." Matthew said.

". . . So we followed him home," Alfred added.

" . . . And we didn't follow you, Senpai . . ."

". . . Because we know you look better with your makeup on."

"That's . . . lovely," Yao sighed.

"How dare you! I don't wear makeup! This beauty is all natural!" Francis snapped, waving his arms around wildly.

". . . Right." The twins rolled their eyes in complete unison.

"Ciao~!" Feliciano exclaimed, making quite the entrance, considering that Ludwig was carrying him. Feli was munching on what looked to be pasta, and that was a good possibility. Yao discovered Feli's addiction to pasta just recently, and also knew that his addiction wasn't limited to just pasta, but anything generally sweet.

"Luddy and I just went to get something to eat," Feli laughed happily. "I got some pasta! Try it Luddy! Here, say 'ah~'!"

Feli then offered Ludwig a forkful of pasta, which Ludwig ate without saying a word. There was a camera flash, and the twins were snickering with glee.

"There's another. . ."

". . . Addition to our website."

"So it's not just me?" Yao asked.

"No, duh! Everyone's got a section on the website" Alfred and Matthew said in unison, gesturing to the website. True to their word, there was a bunch of links to certain pages on the website. They were labeled 'Yao', 'Francis', 'Felciano', 'Ludwig', 'Luddy & Feli' ("For Fan-Service," the twins said), 'Kiku', and 'Alfred & Matthew'.

"Huh," Yao said. "Just one question: if you guys are the ones taking a of the pictures, who's taking pictures of you two?"

"No one," the twins said in unison.

"Oh, yeah?" Yao smirked. "Explain these." He turned the screen to them, and both twins's jaws nearly hit the floor. There were the pictures of them goofing off in class, laughing, nearly every yaoi-twincest moment they'd ever had, and not to mention them in the boys locker room. Shirtless.

"What the hell?!" they exclaimed, grabbing the computer screen as if to make sure it was real.

"Who's been taking pictures of us?!" Matthew yelled.

"Doesn't feel too good, does it, aru?" Yao smiled.

"Don't go all karma on us!" Alfred exclaimed. "This is scary as fuck!"

"We're the only ones with access to the website!" Matthew exclaimed. "Not only has someone been taking pictures of us . . ."

". . . But they've been hacking into the Host Club's website!" Alfred added.

"Well . . . It's not that bad . . ." Yao sighed. "At least you've learned your lesson. But that picture of me walking like some sort of model was really embarrassing, aru, you guys deserve this."

". . . What picture of you walking?" The twins asked.

"That one," Yao pointed. "It's on the website, aru. I've got to hand it to you, it's actually really impressive"

". . . We didn't take that picture . . ." Alfred and Matthew's eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and surprise.

"Y-you didn't, aru?" Yao spluttered.

"Why would we take a picture of you walking . . .?" Alfred asked.

". . . We wanted pictures of you doing certain things . . ." Matthew said.

" . . . Things to make you look smart . . ." Alfred continued.

". . . And walking wasn't one of them."

There was a brief moment of silence before the three boys began to freak out, grabbing the computer and screaming and asking what the hell was going on to no one in particular. Meanwhile, not looking up from all his calculations, Kiku smirked.

Yeah, the twins were good with a camera, but Kiku was a professional.

* * *

**And that's it...for now. *insert ominous music***

**_Stay psycho, sir!,_**

**_Ninja and Captain_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hurrah for fast updates! This is part one of a two-part segment-thingamajig. So...yeah.**

**Disclaimer: Neither of us own either of these.**

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The clinks of china and other sounds of breakfast filled the dining room, one with a long table and carpet, complete with the perfect view of Budapest. There were the smells of fresh bread and milk floating around while a bit of early morning conversation was underway.

The man at the far end of the table smiled at his daughter. "Did you sleep well?"

The girl didn't look up from her book, a manga of some sort. The man cleared his throat and repeated his question, but she still didn't respond. A maid tapped on the girl's shoulder, and then gestured to her father.

"Hm?" She asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

Her father sighed. "I wish you wouldn't bring those books to the table."

"I like them," the girl tucked the manga under her seat, then poured herself some coffee in her teacup. "Is that really so bad?"

"No, no, it's not bad at all," the man responded. "I only want you to be happy, that's all. You can have whatever you want, I promise."

The girl didn't answer, and her mother coughed, folding her hands on her lap. "So, darling, how was your trip to Japan?"

"It was marvelous, my co-worker has such a nice family," The man smiled. "In fact, Lizzy, they have a son around your age. I think I have a picture . . . Right . . . Here . . . Ah! There we are."

He handed his daughter the picture, which she accepted carefully. Her eyes widened, and her hands began to shake when she got a better look at the boy in the picture. She stared for a few good minutes, before whispering ". . . He's the one . . ."

"What?" her father asked.

The girl slammed her hands on the table, causing her coffee to spill and for a few pieces of china to fall on the ground. "I'm going to marry the boy in this photo!"

It took her parents a few seconds to process what she just said, just before managing a " . . . Huh . . .?"

"Don't forget~!" The girl said, packing her luggage quickly and rushing out the door. "You promised~!"

"Lizzy, wait!" Her parents exclaimed.

"I'm coming, my Prince Charming!" She exclaimed gleefully with little hearts and stars in her eyes as she ran out. As a private jet flew by the window, her parents knew they lost all control of her.

"ELIZAVETA!"

"So how often do we have to cosplay, aru?" Yao asked, fixing the hems on his sleeves. The boy was wearing a traditional Chinese robe, complete with buttons, dragon patterns, a rice hat, and a panda.

"It's practically our official pastime," Kiku answered, punching some numbers with the eraser of his pencil. "Right after entertaining the ladies, of course."

The theme today seemed to be "all around the world". Kiku was dressed in a kimono that suited him rather nicely, his glasses somehow blending in with the rest of his outfit. Alfred and Matthew were cowboys, complete with hats and guns (which shouldn't have been allowed on school property to begin with, but them managing to keep their guns somehow made perfect sense to Yao). Feliciano was a gondolier, with a hat, striped shirt, and black pants. It looked odd to see him clinging to Ludwig, who was a stereotypical German yodeler.

And then there was Francis.

And then there was Francis...

Most of them had voted for Francis to be a mime, given he was French and all. But Francis had been totally against the idea and went for his own thing. His outfit was of a French nobleman, or maybe a king, given his crown. Perhaps he was trying to imply that he was "king of the world". Knowing Francis, he probably was.

"Right, aru," Yao sighed.

"Yao-Chan~!" a girl exclaimed, clinging to his arm. "You look so cute in your outfit!"

"Almost like a girl," another girl chirped.

"Gee," Yao muttered, but smiled and tried to be polite. "Thanks"

"K-Kiku-Kun . . ." A girl turned bright pink, looking at the floor. "I . . . I just can't get over how great you look in that kimono"

"Thank you," Kiku responded dryly, almost emotionless. Yao gave the Japanese boy a good, long look. He didn't understand why Kiku refused to get a customer table of his own. He was about as flirty as a lump of wood, but his looks and intelligence seemed to make up for that lack of flirtatious charm. And enough girls liked him, so why did he insist on sitting out and working on his laptop?

"Hey, Kiku?" Yao whispered, nudging him in the shoulder. "I think that girl likes you, aru."

"Do you, now?" Kiku responded, unimpressed, not taking his eyes off his laptop.

"Why don't you set up a table? I'm sure she'd pay for you to entertain her, aru," Yao asked.

"I'm not interested," Kiku said, putting a few numbers into his calculator.

"Why n—?" Yao started, but was interrupted when Alfred and Matthew grabbed him by the shoulders and jerked him back onto the couch behind him. He tumbled backwards and landed face fist on the wooden floor.

"Ow..." Yao muttered.

"There's no convincing Kiku," Alfred and Matthew said in unison. "I wouldn't even try if I were you."

"Why not, aru?" Yao asked.

"Because—wait a second," Alfred said as a few girls approached, and then turned to Matthew. "Matt, dressed like this, like a thief . . . I almost feel as if I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that!" Matthew exclaimed, grabbing his hands. "But you are a thief. For you see," he pressed Alfred's hands against his chest. "You stole my heart."

"So cute~!" The girls squealed, blushing red and saying stuff about brotherly love and yaoi and how adorable this all was. Alfred and Matthew turned back to Yao, who was petrified in shock.

"D . . . Did you have to do that in front of me, aru?" Yao choked.

"Yes," the twins smirked.

"Anyway, Kiku-Chan's all business," Feliciano smiled, laying his head down on Ludwig's lap. "He doesn't like to flirt with girls like I do, so he does all the accounting and the boring stuff for the Host Club."

"That's kind of a shame, aru," Yao mumbled.

"Not really," Feli smiled innocently, sticking a cookie in his mouth. "Don't get me wrong, I love Kiku-Chan and all, but he's no Prince Charming!"

"I—" Yao started, then his eyes went to the door. "Hey, guys? I think we have a new guest."

Sure enough, a girl was shyly hiding behind the door to the entrance to the Host Club. She glanced in, looking as if she was unsure of what to do. Even though she as wearing the schools uniform, Yao was sure he'd never seen her before.

"I've got this," Francis said, making his way to the door. He automatically offered her a rose, one that was blue in color, and lifted her face with his hands. "Come my dear princess, let us talk."

The girls face turned bright red, but she didn't accept the rose. Her mouth was wide open, opening and closing as if trying to form words, but wasn't sure how.

"Come now, don't be shy, my princess," Francis said, taking a step closer to her. "Don't you want to get to know me better?"

With that, the girl shoved her hand forward and slapped him across the face. "No! Don't you dare touch me you FRAUD!"

The club members gasped as Francis stumbled around, clutching his face (which was bright red from the impact). "W-what do you mean?"

"I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! HOW CAN YOU FLAUNT YOUR LOVE AROUND SO EASILY LIKE THAT? YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A TWO-FACED PLAYER! YOU'RE VILE! YOU'RE DISGUSTING! YOU'RE A SAD EXCUSE TO BE IN THIS HOST CLUB!" The girl shouted at the top of her lungs, all while pointing at Francis. Each insult seemed to stab the poor boy like an arrow, the last one practically electrifying him as he fell to the ground.

"You . . ." Kiku muttered, adjusting his glasses. "I don't suppose you Re—?"

"KIKU!" The girl exclaimed, running over to him (trampling Francis in the process) and throwing her arms around his waist. "I can't believe it's you! My one and true love, my only Prince Charming!"

Kiku squirmed beneath her grasp uncomfortably, while Matthew and Alfred held their hands up (reached for the sky, if you will), remarking in unison, "Look out, we've got a fangirl over here."

The girl turned around and stuck her tongue out at them, finally releasing Kiku and studying him. Kiku awkwardly shifted his glasses, unsure of what to say.

"You're...you're Héderváry's daughter, correct?"

The girl giggled/squealed and curtsied quickly.

"That's right! Elizaveta Héderváry, at your service!" The starriness returned to her eyes as she clasped her hands together and sighed. "Oh, Kiku, I can't believe I've finally found you! All my life I've been dreaming of this moment!"

Kiku brushed himself and raised an eyebrow. "Oh, is that so? And what moment would that be, Héderváry-san?"

Elizaveta held back a squeal (the sound sounded like a high-pitched grunt) and seemed to maintain composure enough to give an answer.

"Well, you see, it's obviously fate that we met! We're destined to be together! Even though I did fly here from Budapest... But I enrolled in Ouran just for you!"

Yao, Alfred, and Matthew sweatdropped, hanging their heads in a strange mixture of sheer disbelief and utter embarrassment. They turned to talk to Francis, but he was still lying deflated on the floor, so they consulted amongst each other.

"How long do you think she'll actually keep this up?" Yao asked.

Alfred shook his head, clicking his tongue in shame. "We've seen her type before."

"They can go for months, maybe years," Matthew explained.

"She's probably into some anime character who looks like Kiku," Alfred shrugged.

"Should we say something to her...?" Yao looked in Elizaveta's direction. "I kinda feel bad in a way, aru. I mean, she flew here all the way from Hungary just to see him."

"Then maybe..." Matthew started.

"...We should humor her for a bit," Alfred finished thoughtfully. "Give her a role in the club until she faces reality. Like official cook or something."

The three adjourned their little mini-meeting and went back to listening to Elizaveta, who was discussing her and Kiku's future together. Sensing the discomfort emanating from the Japanese student, Alfred and Matthew dragged Yao over to them.

"So, Liza, how long are you here in Japan?" Matthew asked in an attempt to be friendly.

"As long as it takes," she replied, not taking her eyes off of Kiku for a millisecond.

"Well, while you're here, we could give you a job here in the Club!" Alfred offered, smiling brightly. "Like, maybe you could co—"

"That's a brilliant idea!" Elizaveta interjected. "I'll be your manager!"

All four boys' jaws dropped.

"M-manager?" Yao stuttered. "What does that mean?"

Elizaveta shrugged. "You know, I'll just hang around here, give you guys tips and stuff. It'll be awesome!"

"Wrong adjective," Matthew and Alfred muttered, just as Feliciano and Ludwig came over.

"Ve~ I think that's a great idea!" Feliciano said happily. Needless to say, Ludwig nodded in agreement.

"See, the cute one agrees!" Elizaveta argued, pointing at the spaced-out Feliciano.

At that moment, Francis lifted his head up from his spot on the floor.

"You can be manager if you take back what you said."

"Anything to be with my darling Kiku!" Elizaveta swooned. "You're not a fraud. Or a player. Or vile, or disgusting, or a sad excuse for a host. There. Now, since I'm your new manager, I have an idea I'm sure you'll love!"

"Yup. Love," Matthew and Alfred deadpanned, and Yao couldn't help but agree once he heard what it was.

* * *

**To be continued in part two...**

**_Psychos in blue,_**

**_Ninja and Captain_**


	4. Chapter 4

As it turned out, Elizaveta's "plan" was to shoot a Host Club movie. Needless to say, the process involved stupid costumes and an even worse plot. But, as Francis put it, "_C'est la vie_."

The movie started out with Matthew and Alfred playing basketball (Yao was wondering just how the hell Elizaveta came up with that) and doing their whole yaoi-twincest thing. The gym was packed with spectating fangirls.

So, they started shooting pronto.

Alfred took the ball and began dribbling it down the court, unsurprisingly making it in, only to see that Matthew was lying injured on the ground. Shocked, Al ran to Matt's side as he was being lifted onto a stretcher.

"Matthew!" he shouted, clasping his brother's hand and allowing a (*cough*fake*cough*) tear to run down his cheek. "Matthew, come on!"

A coach yelled, "Alfred, you can't! Get back in the game!", to which Alfred responded with a cross, "Shut up!"

Matthew coughed and turned his head slightly towards Alfred. "Al...calm down," he rasped. "It's okay. You don't have to feel my pain."

More tears streamed from Alfred's eyes as he brought Matthew's hand to his cheek. "I can't!" he sobbed. "It hurts! Matthew, it...it hurts..."

Matthew smiled shakily. "My pain is mine alone, Alfred. You don't have to suffer."

Alfred shook his head. "No...your pain is my pain as well. It's okay if no one understands. As long as we have each other, we can go on living."

"How nice."

The two turned, suddenly not in the gym anymore but sitting outside beneath a cloudy sky with Francis standing a few yards away from them.

"F-Francis-Sempai..." Alfred stuttered.

"How nice," Francis repeated, "to have someone who cares for you in that way."

"But Francis-Sempai, you're the school's idol. Everyone loves you," Matthew said, propping himself up with his elbows.

"An idol, hm?" Francis asked, smiling sadly and flipping his hair out of his eyes. "If all I can be is the figurehead of some superficial alias, perhaps I'm better off alone."

He looked up to the clouds as Elizaveta said from offstage, "The two grieving hearts cross each other...they pass each other...they wound each other...where are the hearts of these young lads?"

Yao took that as his cue to go and began running (and doing a damn good job of pretending to be chased, in his opinion) before dramatically falling against a tree trunk. A scared look crept upon his features as the menacing shadows of Feli and Luddy approached him. Yao almost broke character when he saw what Feli was wearing, dressed like a mini-mafioso, complete with a fedora and (probably very expensive) vest.

"You can't run anymore," Feli smirked.

"Feliciano, stop," Ludwig ordered. "The more you hurt other people, the more you hurt yourself."

"Don't tell me what to do, Ludwig," Feli snapped. "Unless you want to be punished again?"

Yao crossed his arms in front of him in a move of defense, but was instead met by a mega-glomp from Feli.

"I'm sorry, Yao-Chan!" the little Italian sobbed. "I don't want to do this!"

"Cut!" Elizaveta yelled through her megaphone. "Cut Cut CUT!"

The drama hanging in the air immediately dissipated as Elizaveta began shouting orders in every direction, and the "cast" took it as their cue for a water break.

"So, Yao, how was my acting?" Francis asked excitedly as he bounded happily over to Yao, who smiled.

"You were great, Sempai!" he answered, knowing that any other response would send Francis to his little emo corner.

Francis laughed. "Maybe I should start acting like that all the time, huh?"

Yao cleared his throat. "Erm...no, Francis-Sempai...I think you're fine the way you are," he told the Frenchman as he handed him a towel. Francis froze.

"I...I see..."

"Kiku-Kun~!" Elizaveta exclaimed, running over to her 'true love'. In all fairness, she must have loved him a whole damn lot in order to leave him out of this movie. Kiku got a look of annoyance over his face, but otherwise turned and gave her a look of somewhat kindness.

"Yes, what is it?" he asked.

"I made you cookies!" Elizaveta's face flushed bright pink, and she squealed in pure joy. "T-they're a little burnt, but I tried my best. I would ask what you think, but I already know what you're going to say!"

Yao rolled his eyes and tried to mask it with his towel. Elizaveta was only so head-over-heels in love with Kiku because he looked exactly like the star of some manga she liked (given its title, Yao thought it might have been a yaoi manga, but decided not to ask for the sake of Kiku's sanity).

"She wasn't kidding," Feli said, munching on one of the cookies. "These really are burnt."

"Don't eat that, Feliciano, that's bad for you," Ludwig said, putting a hand on his shoulders.

Elizaveta growled, turning around and began to chase them around with what looked like a frying pan. As if by reflex, Ludwig grabbed Feli and began to run at top speed. All while Feli was crying and exclaiming "She's scary~!"

Yao shrugged, picking up a cookie and taking a bite out of it. Once you actually bit through its iron-like exterior, it actually wasn't that bad. "These aren't bad, you know, with a little more practice they'd be better."

Both of the twins exchanged a glance, little light bulbs appearing near their heads when they saw Francis blushing up a storm and twiddling his fingers.

"Really?" Alfred took Yao's chin with his hand, leaning a little too close to his face for comfort. "May I try?" he leaned forward and bit off a piece of the cookie, right when it was still in Yao's mouth. That little stunt was enough to smack the blush off of Francis's face and get him to look over.

"Oh, Yao, you've got crumbs on your face," Matt observed, grabbing the other side of his face and pulling him towards him. "Let me help you." With that, he licked the cookie crumbs right off of Yao's innocent little face.

For Francis, that was two strikes too close to three. "_Oh mon Dieu, tu as_ _vu ça_?! They're licking him _comme des chiens_! Someone _arrêter ça_! This is disgusting _folie_! Rape! Sexual assault! _Que quelqu'un appelle la police_!"

"Jesus, boss, we're sorry," the twins said in unison, taking a few steps away from Francis. Whenever he started mixing up English and French, it was a sure sign that he was pissed beyond lingual control.

"You know," Yao said, wiping the last bit of Matt's saliva off of his face. "If you told me, I would have gotten the crumbs off myself. And if you wanted to try a cookie, I would have given you one."

All three of the boys sweat-dropped; it seemed that Yao had missed the entire point of it all. But Francis seemed to have the best reaction to it "THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REACT!"

"What's going on here?" a boy asked, walking straight up to Yao before any of the others (this simple gesture causing Francis to return to his emo corner). "When did the courtyard become a movie set?"

"Oh, hey Roderich. It's our new 'manager's idea," Yao explained, putting air quotations around the word 'manager'. "She's in love with Kiku-Sempai, so I guess whatever she says goes."

"Are they dating or something?" Roderich asked.

Roderich Edelstein was one of the few friends Yao had in his class, and outside of the Host Club, for that matter. Even though he wasn't operating on scholarship like Yao was (quite the contrary, Roderich had money and he was proud of it), but he had this love for learning and education that the rest of the damn rich people here didn't have. He often studied with Yao, and for someone who could (and would) literally fan himself with money, he was pretty smart. He'd even stumbled into the old music room once, too, in search of an actual music room to practice his piano. Roderich, however, hadn't been clumsy enough to break anything and he'd been smart enough to escape while he still had the chance.

"She seems to think so," Yao sighed, and ignored the look on Roderich's face as he headed to where Elizaveta was calling him, gesturing for Roderich to follow him to ask Elizaveta further questions. He nearly fainted when he saw a couple of burly looking delinquents giving him the evil eye.

"E-Elizaveta-S-San . . ." Yao spluttered. "W-What's . . . going o-on . . . ?"

"Look who's just agreed to be in our movie!" Elizaveta squealed.

"Hey, what?" they asked in unison, looking as confused as Yao did. Yao blinked in surprise, and then looked at Elizaveta. She didn't just randomly pull out some tough-looking guys and demand that they be in her movie, did she . . .?

She did.

"It's perfect! The final scene of the movie is going to be the whole school joining forces against these two," Elizaveta smiled innocently for one with such an evil way of working. "Whose fathers influenced them into the Japanese mafia!"

"Hey, that's not fair!" the taller delinquent exclaimed.

"What my dad does has nothing to do with me!" the other snapped.

"Now, c'mon!" Elizaveta exclaimed.

"I-I wouldn't mess with them if I were you," Roderich said, taking a step back, but he'd given his advice too late. The taller of the two shoed her off him, and she would've smashed into the wall covered in props. She would've, that is, if Yao hadn't caught her and taken the impact for her.

"Yao-Kun!" Elizaveta exclaimed, getting onto her knees. "Are you alright?"

"You . . . you can't . . . do this to people . . ." Yao groaned in pain, rubbing his back. Yeah, that was going to leave a bruise, and a big one at that. "If you judge people by their looks . . . you're stereotyping them . . . and you'll never be able to see them for . . . who they really are . . ."

"I . . . I don't understand," Elizaveta whimpered.

"Yao!" Francis exclaimed, running over to see two delinquents, a confused Roderich trying to figure out if this was all part of the movie or not, an Elizaveta close to tears, and Yao, grumbling in pain, with tears beginning to dot in his eyes.

In a surge of anger, Francis grabbed the taller one of the two by his collar and punched him in the mouth. He let out a shout of pain before falling to his back, his friend panicking like a maniac.

"Which one of you made Yao cry?" Francis growled.

"It wasn't us!" the one who didn't currently have blood pouring over his teeth exclaimed. "It's that girl! She's crazy, it's her fault he's hurt, not ours!" he then grabbed his buddy by the arm and ran faster than the speed of light and sound combined.

"Francis-Sempai . . ." Yao said, standing up. Francis grabbed his arms, pulling him closer.

"Yao, are you alright—?" Francis asked.

"Yeah, my contact fell out," Yao said, rubbing his eyes and holding a clear contact on his finger. He hadn't been crying after all. Francis just stood there, shell-shocked, still holding Yao and not taking his eyes off of the contact in his hand.

"Well, there was a moment," Roderich said, smirking a little. "You killed it."

"That . . . that was perfect!" Elizaveta exclaimed, turning to her cameraman. "Did you get that on tape?" when he nodded, she squealed in joy. "Yes! Minus the contacts part, that was perfect! Now all we need to do is—!"

CRASH!

There was a shattering sound as Kiku slammed a rock against the camera lenses, causing it to shatter and for the entire camera to topple over. "That was a $3,000 camera!" the camera man exclaimed. "You ruined it!"

"K . . . Kiku . . .?" Elizaveta whispered.

"Apologies," Kiku said, and for the first time, his voice didn't have that pseudo politeness and kindness that it did before. His voice was as dry and emotionless as it would have been if he had been talking to anyone else. "But we can't have footage of a member of the Host Club participating in violence."

"B-but, Kiku―"

"You've had your fun, Héderváry-San, but it's time to shut down this pointless game of yours. I think you've caused enough trouble already, so please stop being such a pest."

Elizaveta's mouth fell open with shock, and tears began to dot her eyes. "But you're supposed to be nice to me! You're supposed to pat me on the head and tell me it's going to be ok! You're supposed to be kind and affectionate! Why are you acting so different now, Kiku?! Why?!"

Francis gave a small smile. "Actually, Liza, I think he's more himself now then he's been since you arrived."

Elizaveta fell to her knees, fists clenched, sobbing with her head down. For a minute no one said anything, it was as if the truth had hit Elizaveta like a ton of bricks. Roderich glanced around, and then took a step forward.

"Hey . . . does it really matter?" he asked, crouching down in order to look her in the eyes. "Maybe he's not the Honda Kiku you were expecting. So what? Take a good look at the person inside of him and get to know him little by little, and maybe you'll fall in love with that Honda Kiku. After all, it's a lot more fun that way."

_The next day..._

Roderich had joined the Host Club in the music room for a bit, as they weren't taking customers at the moment, and the eight boys were all just talking and laughing (even Kiku let out a chuckle sometimes) when Elizaveta came in.

"B-Bonjour, Liza..." Francis muttered, though he didn't sound too happy.

Ignoring him, Elizaveta directed her attention to Kiku and bowed her head.

"I apologize for causing you so much trouble. I now know what it's like to see someone and fall completely in love. Isn't that right, Roderich-Kun?!"

The surprised Roderich raised his eyebrows in confusion, only to have his hand seized by Elizaveta, who promptly began dragging him out of the music room.

"Let's go play games at my house!" she exclaimed happily.

Matthew and Alfred smirked. "There are so many wrong ways that could be taken."

Yao sighed and sat back, taking a sip of his tea. "Why do I get the feeling she'll be back?"

"Because she will," Kiku said, pushing up his glasses with a small smile.

* * *

**Yes, we altered it. So shoot us. These are necessary precautions.**

**Psychos in blue,**

**Ninja and Captain**


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